On Friday, Elon Musk, the richest man in the world and the self-appointed dismantler of the United States government, was to have been given a top secret national security briefing at the Pentagon. He was going to be shown our military’s plans for how we would fight a war with and conquer China — should there ever be a need for that. A nuclear war with China! Musk could barely contain his raging male hormonal ecstasy that he was going to be taken into the TANK, the most massively secure room in the country, a fortress on the 2nd floor of the Pentagon typically used only by the Joint Chiefs and the President, surrounded by soldiers with the most lethal of weapons. A supreme bunker that simply cannot be penetrated.

There, behind three-foot thick walls, Musk was to see the End of the World: the U.S.’s actual war plans for an attack on China.

But Musk couldn’t keep the secret that Trump and Secretary of Defense Hegseth told him — and that he was TO TELL NO ONE! Knowing he was to be the only White South African-American to be shown what no civilian has ever been shown, he started blabbing everywhere and jizzing all over himself and his DOGE boys. Soon the New York Times found out. They made sure they had at least four top sources verifying that this national security breach was about to happen, and then they ran their story with an amazing five bylines.

That’s how far the jizz flows when you’re a super man who has fathered 14 children, sometimes 2 or 3 in a single year! This guy is so convinced of his virility and his prowess, confident that he can literally take down our country in the next month! For chrissakes, in 2021 he sired three babies in ONE MONTH! I’m not making this up. Three little Elon babies were born within just a few weeks of each other!

Of course he thinks he can shut down the Department of Education!

Of course he thinks he has the right to see the Pentagon’s most closely guarded secrets!

Who the fuck are you to even question this! Just get the fuck out of the way you pathetic veterans, you loser cancer patients, you starving African children! Fuck you! This guy has an effing five-foot chainsaw in his hands and he’s roasting your kid’s library books for brunch. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your diabetes-infected slob of a MAGA body, HE’S COMING AFTER YOU, YOUR PILL-ADDICTED WIFE, YOUR ILLITERATE 19-YEAR-OLD WHO CAN’T HOLD A JOB AND YOUR GRANDPARENTS WHO DESPISE SMART PEOPLE AND NOW THEY CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO REACH THE LOCAL SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE THAT HAS CLOSED BECAUSE NOW IT’S ONLY ONLINE AND THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO GO ONLINE — OH AND “THE ELITES DID THIS TO US!”

And because he’s bought himself a clown president for $288 million, well you better believe your sorry white-privileged ass that he’s going to be given the key to any friggin’ room he wants in the Pentagon, including one that neither you nor I even knew existed until this week.

At first Trump and Hegseth denied it, called it “fake news.” But that lie proved too much for even the Wall Street Journal who then publicly defended their bitter rival, the Times, and told the world that their own sources confirmed that Musk was indeed going to be shown top secret war plans against the country where his largest Tesla factory exists.

BOOM!

MIC DROP!

TANK ROOM MEETING CANCELED.

Stunning.

So with all the commotion and attention on Musk’s now-delayed top secret visit to the ultimate War Room, there has been little attention paid to my top secret meeting this coming Wednesday with the new prime minister of Canada, Mark Carney.

It’s not “End of the World” stuff, but I have, for the past two years, been actively involved in three separate deals regarding the improvement and the strengthening of U.S. and Canadian relations. Hoping that I’m not violating any of Ottawa’s (that’s the new capital of Canada; it’s no longer Whitehorse in the Yukon, or Moose Jaw in Saskatchewan, wherever that is) national security secrets, I will now share with you the foreign intrigue of my three peace efforts with our neighbor to the North:

1. I have been laboring to create a governmental union between Michigan and Canada — to be known as the MICHI-CAN UNION — similar to the EUROPEAN UNION with their fully open borders which exists between France, Germany, Finland, Italy, Denmark and the rest of the 27 nations of the European Union. This MICHI-CAN UNION between Michigan and Canada will bring our two similar cultures (hunting, beer, skating and comedy) together. The treaty would stipulate that the citizens of Michigan would have full access to free Canadian health care, and the citizens of Canada could attend Michigan Universities free of charge. A first-ever high-speed bullet train would be built from Toronto to Chicago, straight across Michigan with stops in Detroit, Ann Arbor, Lansing, Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo. There would be easy, no-fuss-no-muss access at all border crossings — no passports or visas required at Detroit/Windsor, Port Huron/Sarnia and Sault Ste. Marie, MI and Ontario. Plus jobs, trade, joint science research, inter-marriage, and protection of the world’s largest supply of fresh water, the Great Lakes. And, of course, sharing our collective love of the arts. Canada gave us Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Drake, Rush and many others in music and James Cameron in film. Writers like Margaret Atwood. Inventors like Alexander Graham Bell.

And from Michigan, we’ve given the world all the great Motown artists, plus Aretha, Eminem, Madonna, Iggy Pop, Francis Ford Coppola, Robin Williams, Lily Tomlin, Keegan-Michael Key, Elmore Leonard, Terry McMillan, Larry Page (the co-founder of Google), scores of car inventors and, of course, a young Thomas Edison. Michigan even elected a Canadian as our Governor (Jennifer Granholm). The premier of Ontario is named Ford. During the 1960s and early 70s, Canada generously took in thousands of American soldiers and draftees who refused to kill the people of Vietnam. Well over a century before that, Canada provided safety and freedom to enslaved people escaping from the United States via the Underground Railroad. And while there has been no need for Canadians to seek Michigan’s protection, we did offer a home to Rosa Parks after the threats she received for starting the Montgomery Bus Boycott in 1955. She lived with us in Michigan for the rest of her life.

Michigan and Canada — a great match! MICHI-CAN! Although Trump’s behavior has probably scuttled this endeavor, I will see what I can accomplish with Prime Minister Carney.

2. I have been active in the movement to return Canadian hockey teams that were bought by rich Americans to their original homes in Canada. The Quebec City Nordiques, kidnapped by the city of Denver, should be returned to Quebec. And move the Florida Panthers to Halifax, just to return the favor. There is no ice in Miami. There is also no ice in Phoenix, which is why the Canadian NHL club that moved there from Winnipeg to become the Arizona Coyotes is currently defunct, and the players and coaches now find themselves part of a new NHL team in…Utah? While I concede there may be a tiny bit of ice up on the tops of the mountains in Utah, nonetheless, both of these teams must be returned to Canada.

3. I have been structuring a deal for the secret Canadian KitKat recipe to be used for all American KitKats going forward. The KitKats sold in the U.S. are categorically not the same as the ones in Canada. They taste like cardboard with some lame American chocolate dripped over them accidentally. I realize that with the cruel trade war Trump has imposed on Canada, they are unlikely now to give a state secret like this to me, but for the good of both countries — and our shared belief in the importance of delicious, tasty treats — we must not let these important negotiations die.

Each of these above initiatives is in peril.

I and most Michiganders will not let Trump and Musk destroy our relationship with our neighbors, the Canadians. Many of our families first arrived in Canada before emigrating to Michigan. 1/4 of my grandparents were Canadian. Throw in my great grandparents and you’re practically swimming in maple syrup. (More on this some other time.)

Wish me luck with the new prime minister. There’s a reason that back in the crash of 2008, Canada did not suffer what the U.S. went through, and millions in Canada did not lose their homes. While Canadian values, strong banking regulations and how Canada defines Democracy played its part in preventing an economic collapse, perhaps the main reason Canada avoided America’s fate was the individual just named the new prime minister of Canada, Mark Carney. I look forward to meeting him on Wednesday. I will also try to learn what their war plans are with China.

And I will bring you all back a real KitKat bar — and throw in a few Coffee Crisps to boot.