Joe Biden:

Today Senator John McCain is being buried together with the young woman who leaked the transcript of these funeral proceedings. John would have been honored to know that he was posthumously connected to such swift and cost-saving justice in protection of our national security — which I think should more than compensate for his being buried together with someone he would have referred to as lowlife scum. Can I get a Praise Jesus?

John McCain and I worked together with many of you and I believe every single media outlet that has been permitted into this holy cathedral today to launch and prolong a war in which we did so much damage to the world in so many ways, that my own son was killed by our open burning of all kinds of toxic waste, and I’ve barely even registered that fact. Hell, it’ll be years before it occurs to me that a lot of Iraqi people probably died too. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t use that word in a church. I mean Iraqi lowlife scum.

John was my friend and a genuine humanitarian. I’ll tell you a story. [Shouts of “Noooo! Nooooo!”] A short one. It’s a short one. I once showed John my plan to cut Iraq up into three different countries. And I could tell that John thought it was the worst idea since the United Nations, but — and this tells you how much he cared about humanity — he told me he’d back my nutty scheme because he was my friend. The world has lost a true statesman, who certainly would have made a better president than some, er, some, I mean, sometimes I say too much. Please welcome our next speaker.

George W. Bush:

John McCain was a serious public servant and a jokester. I’ve never told this story before. Remember that slideshow I made where I was hunting under my desk for weapons of mass destruction? I couldn’t keep a straight face, because — even though you couldn’t see it, John was hiding under the desk holding up my Saddam Hussein voodoo doll, making it dance around and sing. I think it was singing John’s favorite Beach Boys song. You know the one, Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb . . . Wow, did John love bombs. You know Ronald Reagan banned the Beach Boys from the Fourth of July in Washington, but John was never a partisan or an idea tree, I mean idea log. He crossed party wires. You know he himself bombed thousands of Vietgooks before being taken hostage and held for ransom by the terrorists. I think about that sometimes when I’m painting myself in the bathtub, and I remember how many times John and I pretended to ban torture, even though it was already a crime, when actually we were creating loopholes for the CIA to do the tough job that it’s tough to put food on your family. It’s . . . no . . . no, Dick, I have not turned the earpiece off I’m just not listening to your fat . . . uh, somebody else is up now.

Barack Obama:

My fellow Americans, John McCain is less appreciated by non-Americans, and that tells you how far we have left still to go in bringing the world up to a better understanding. Let me be clear, John was willing to do what needed to be done, even if it made him enemies. He embraced terrorists, jihadists, and Nazis as needed to destabilize the world and fuel anti-American hostility, or failing that, sell, well, so many weapons you wouldn’t believe it. One time I promised Senator McCain that we would heavily bomb Syria, and then I backed off. And how did John react? Did he threaten to rip off my head and defecate down my throat? Well, yes, yes he did. But he didn’t actually do it. Because John was a true American, and that’s not who we are. And that’s a key lesson I learned from John over the years: almost nothing we regularly do is who we are. And I stand here before you today for everything I never did. Miss me yet?

Oleh Tyahnybok:

Senator McCain cannot be replaced but he will need to be. With some people you just have to say the word Nazi and they’ll abandon the cause of freedom. The current U.S. president follows John McCain’s legacy in working beyond that unfair taboo. [Loud Boos!] Oh shut up. You will not replace us! And what’s with sticking me up here between a Muslim and a Jew, is this a joke? I was his friend! I was . . . [scuffle].

Charles Schumer:

I’ll be brief. I believe that we should rename this cathedral for Senator John McCain, and I believe that when we visit here we should pray to him. I believe — What the?

Donald Trump:

Step aside. Loser. Am I right? You people don’t love John McCain for all the bad bad ideas these losers are praising him for. You love him because he had a little spat with me, just like the Fake News. Right? I’m the only one, the only one who can make you love John McCain. You should be thanking me. That’s right. Where are you going? Throw those people out who are leaving! I’ll pay your legal fees! Do it!